I just remembered why we don’t go out to eat very often.

We’ve all had those moments, right? You know, when you take your children out in public only to realize later, you wished you had just stayed home.   I normally don’t fret about taking the children out to eat as long as the following conditions are met:

1.  It must be kid friendly. 

2. If I am taking both kids out, John must be present. (tag team)

3.  It must not be during the lunch or dinner rush hours. (less people)

Today we agreed to take the kids to a restaurant of Matt’s choosing. He has been sick and we thought it would cheer him up.  He chose a fast food mexican restaurant, “Taco Time”. Once we arrived, Matt went straight up to the counter and gave his detailed order of “a taco with hamburgers (ground beef)  and cheese and no salad on it and no sauce and tater tots and a root beer.”   Alec placed his order of a taco and rice. So far so good. 

Matt filled his cup with root beer and quickly sat down.  He was not satisfied however because once he sat down, the suds of his root beer had disappeared leaving his cup 5/7th of the way full . With my permission, I let him fill it up to a more justifiable amount (sigh). 

Lunch was served. The boys were excited.  Matt pointed to me asking me if I liked” Taco Time”.  No big deal except that he pointed using his middle finger because he had a cut on his pointer finger. Since he doesn’t understand that the middle finger is an offensive finger to use, I ignored it. Alec didn’t ignore it. 

“Matthew!  That’s the middle finger!!!!” Alec pointed at Matt.  “Wow! I can’t believe you used your middle finger, Matt!”, Alec said. “Mom would NEVER let me use my middle finger!”

I leaned over towards Alec and whispered.  “Alec, Matt didn’t use that in the way you are thinking.  He doesn’t even know what that means, so lets not make a big deal out of it.” 

Too late. Matt learned something new. ”MIDDLE FINGER!!!”, shouts Matt. Then he giggles, “Middle finger, middle finger!!!” He didn’t actually hold up his middle finger.  He just kept saying “middle finger” and giggling non stop. In my book, he may as well have been flipping the bird at everyone within eyeshot. 

“Matt, if you can’t use good manners in the restaurant, we will go home”, said John. “I’M SORRY!” said Matt.  Whew, got through that. 

I immediately changed the subject.  We know many kids on the autism spectrum like to stick to one category for a while, especially if its fun.  I decided it was time to move away from sign language profanity and talk about our food.

“Is Taco Time healthy?”  asked Matt.  “Not all the time.”, answered John.  “But apples, are healthy”. 

“Not too many apples.” said Alec. Then he added  “Too many apples give you diarrhea.”  I was glad Alec chose a quiet voice when he said that, but Matt chose a louder voice. “Apples can make you have diarrhea?!”  He said loudly.  Then Alec chimed in using a less-than-quiet voice “Yes, they make you have diarrhea!”

“Boys!”  I said. I went over the rules of restaurant etiquette with them. I also regretted that we didn’t practice this at home.  Taking them out one at a time was never like this!  Thank goodness the restaurant wasn’t full but I did notice one of the diners there was somebody I went to school with. She also works at the same doctor’s office where Matt goes.   She was with her husband. 

After giving the boys the “How to Not Gross People Out” lecture, they began eating again.  Then Alec started giggling, clearly reminiscing about diarrhea and the middle finger.  Time to redirect.

 ”Alec, I see that you are done. Please put all the garbage on the tray in the garbage can over there.”  I said.  As I saw him get up and walk over to the garbage, I noticed his shoes weren’t on.  I saw other people looking at his feet as he trotted over to the trash in his white socks.  He took his shoes off?!?!  As I was about to give him the “How to Not Contract an Unpleasant Staph Infection” lecture, I was interrupted by Matthew who just let out an incredibly loud, obnoxious burp. 

“Matthew Kenneth!!”  I said sternly.  At the same, John said, “I see that it’s probably time that we got out of here.” 

“I’M SORRY!!!!”  Matt shouted.  John and I began clearing off the table and the boys grabbed their pop’s and headed towards the door. At that time, I noticed Matt’s shoes were off!.  What the……..!!  “Matt, go get your shoes on!”

“I’M SORRY!!!!”  Matt shouted as he ran over to get his shoes. 

On the way out the door, I made eye contact with the highschool friend and she was smiling……more than just smiling.  Smiling big.  Almost like she was struggling to keep from laughing her head off.  That caused me to laugh and I walked over to her shaking my head saying, “I am so glad I don’t have to explain him to you.” She laughed some more and so did her husband as they shared a similar story about their kids.  That made John and I feel better.   So after our short conversation, I said good-bye and ran off to get my shoeless, gassy child. 

If you have an embarrassing story to share regarding your children, please share!  It makes the rest of us feel a little more normal